Do I Stay Or Do I Go?

Ending a relationship is never an easy thing to do. When you truly love someone the last thing in the world you do is consider yourself living without them. How do you heal from the pain? How do you not think of that person with every move you make? The good times, the bad times, future plans…it’s all gone. You think of going back, you even miss the very thing that you hated about that person now that they’re gone. One thing for certain is that distance truly does make the heart grow fonder. Having that isolated time to evaluate your relationship brings to mind that old saying, “Hindsight is 20/20” I say this because it’s when that person is no longer a part of your life that you sit and evaluate yourself. The things you could have said or done differently.

Now it’s time to move forward. You can’t sit back and beat yourself up now that it’s over. The thought of going back to the relationship permeates in your mind but before you just go back you have to give it some careful thought and think about what brought the relationship to its demise. Ask yourself if you truly gave your all and most importantly understand why you want to go back. If it’s because you don’t want to be alone that’s not a viable reason. If it’s because you truly love them and realize that they are the air you breath then there may be something worth fighting for. If there was a lot of fighting and arguing going on you may not want to just get back together because after the “I was missing the hell out of you” phase is over, you end up back in turmoil and are ready to leave again.

If you’re considering going back I recommend taking it slow. That means you have to start dating again. Remember, the relationship didn’t instantly get into a state is disarray so things aren’t going to instantly be mended especially without some type of intervention. Try seeing a relationship counselor to discuss the reason(s) why you decided to end your relationship. This will help the two of you determine if its even worth trying again. If you can’t breech the obstacle you stumbled on before the breakup then there’s no use of even trying. The dating phase is crucial at this point because 99% of the time a certain level of trust has been violated on one or both ends and has to be reestablished. Don’t rush to be intimate avoiding the real issues…sex can be blinding.

No on the other hand if you know for a fact that you don’t want to or shouldn’t go back then you have to leave well enough alone. You can’t say let’s make love this one last time. Understand that the last time was the last time! We’ve all ended a relationship at some point in time and have been through the pain. Time is the only medicine that will heal your broken heart. Don’t go out on a tangent and decide to soar your oats or decide to drink them away because after all the sex and after becoming sober… the pain will still be there.

When do you start dating again? That is completely up to you. If you feel that you’re able to start seeing other people without constantly thinking of or bringing up your ex then go for it. There’s no harm in seeing other people though you may feel guilty you have no reason to because you have been reinstated as single. I do however advice against walking into another relationship without first ensuring you’re completely over the last. It’s not fair to you or the person you’re getting involved with. The new person becomes a rebound love and later into the new relationship you could possibly end up having regret wondering if things could have worked out with the ex. This isn’t always the case, there are some people that are resilient enough to move on with love…my hat goes off to them. For those that aren’t able just ensure you give your heart enough time to heal so that you’ll be able to love and trust freely in your next relationship.

Lastly there is this thing called agape love, a pure mature kind of love. You have to understand that every…EVERY relationship has its own set of issues. People tend to run at the first sign of trouble and each time they do so they block their blessings. There isn’t a flawless relationship around but when you love someone unconditionally after the so called “honeymoon” stage has passed you have to look at the relationship for what it truly is and understand that what sits before you is the person you chose to fall in love with. They may snore, leave the towel on the floor, leave the toilet seat up, squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube; you name it. At which point you have a decision to make, you have to decide on things you can and cannot accept. You can’t change a person because at some point they will miss being who they are and problems will come about. If you can’t accept the person as they are flaws and all then you have to let go. But if you truly love that person unconditionally, agape love will not allow you to walk away.

Luv Doc!!

Think Before You Speak

In any relationship there’s a time of anger. A time that you get so pissed off that the things you’ve wanted to say…you just say them. Like the old truth serum alcohol, you don’t care what the other person may feel and to be honest, you want to cause a little “sting” to their heart out of anger. Ladies you do this to your man often some of you will attack his manhood by telling him how small he is and how he doesn’t satisfy you, or how much money he doesn’t make. Men like to tell women how no man will want them with children or how fat they are….in your moment of anger, is it worth the lifetime of pain?

What we need to understand is once you put it out there. Once you’ve uttered the very words you chose to stab into that person’s heart, they are there and no matter what you say you can’t take them back. Even in forgiveness the words will always linger in that persons mind waiting to surface at the first sign of a similar incident. Why say things we don’t really mean? If you meant what you said then, why say things you will later regret? If you no longer want to be in their life then leave! All the unnecessary roughness makes no sense.

Words are painful and cut like a knife yet, words can be pleasing to the heart and cause the greatest joy. What if we gave ourselves some time to cool off before we spoke? I know I’ve said some things in my past to hurt someone but in my latter years I’ve learned to be a thinker. If I’m angry or not sure how to respond to what I’ve been told or a feeling I’ve gotten from someone, I go into a contemplative state. I can recall when I was married how my ex would often mention divorce. I never did even though there were times I REALLY wanted to. I told her that if I ever did that I would mean it….13 years into our marriage I told her I wanted a divorce.

Should you find yourself in a heated state I suggest that you think before you speak. Even if you’re not angry but know you’re about to (as Mo would say) spew some evil…THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK! I’m sure as you sit here reading this that you’ve had a time in your life that someone has told you something that left a lasting effect on your heart be it good or bad. Admirable words tend to be used more in most relationships but it’s amazing how the negative statements made to a person seem to come to surface first. We seem to remember those hurtful things we’re told by people we love. In writing this I’m directing my thoughts to couples in a relationship but it’s in my heart to say this to us parents out there….use the same style when speaking to our children. Take it from me, the evil things you say to them will be forever stored in their memory banks.

So! Let’s Talk About It! Have you ever been on either end of the spectrum here? Has someone told you something out of anger that completely ripped at your very soul? How do you handle that? Where you able to move past it after they came back and apologized or did it haunt you throughout the remainder of your relationship? Better yet…were you the one who said things to hurt the one you love? How did you feel about it? Were they later able to come back and continue loving you with the same intensity or did you forever lose them?


Thanks for the Luv,

Doc

Luv And Hygiene....What the &*^% Is That Smell?

You find this person attractive….beautiful, nice body, educated, lovely conversation, fun to be around never a dull moment. Then you realize there are some issues ……Oh… My… Damn! Did you smell that? How do you tell them? What do you tell them? This is some serious stuff though some of you may be laughing, it goes on every day.


Telling a person they have a hygienic malfunction can be difficult especially if you don’t know them that well. You even sit there and wonder how in the hell did that odor get past me? I did not smell that before, I know I didn’t! The crazy thing is that you really like this person but you haven’t the slightest clue just how to tell them. What if it’s not the body odor but it’s the way they live? You know, dirty house, garbage overflowing with no sign of being taken out. Clothes all over the place…sink loaded with dirty dishes. You finally get to the point where you’re visiting each other’s home regularly so now they don’t have the 2 days notice to get everything clean. You start to see the real person and realize that they aren’t as tidy as you thought. There are those that don’t think keeping the house in order is a problem but I can tell you from experience that if one person is doing all the cleaning they eventually get tired of it. And I’m not talking about the controlling man that thinks that’s the woman’s job only (that’s another blog because there is no “I” in team), but the person that makes the mess and leaves the mess. Hear me when I say it’s not always the man.


I’m a two shower a day person. There are those that take a shower at night, get up in the morning and go. I can’t function that way but in the same token, I wouldn’t necessarily call it quits if they didn’t but I surely would go into telling them about how we sweat at night LOL! (Subliminal messages) There are even folks that will wear clothes over and over again before washing them. I’m just saying…if you have deodorant marks on your shirt…the white streaks…you should probably wash it, the same for that food stain you spilled on it and thought you cleaned off with that napkin. Or the hair….ladies even though it’s weave and you don’t have to comb it daily that doesn’t exclude the washing there of! Folks, little problems become big ones so this is when from the start you have to really take notice of the things you are willing to accept and or live with about the person you choose to have in your life. You can’t wait until you are miles down the road and decide you want to go back and talk about the things that you were aware of from the start.

On FB one of my readers and good friend of mine wrote,… “You see on another note, the bible says a man should love his wife like he loves his own body. You can't take care if your body? You can't take care of me.”… I don’t typically throw in religion but if the Holy Spirit says so then perhaps it is so.


I could go on and on about this but I’d like to hear some of your stories on the subject so… Let’s Talk About It… How would you tell a person about their breath? Do you just do as another reader/friend of mine back home stated she’d do and blaze up on the first hint of hot garbage coming from this person’s breath?” Or would you instruct them on flossing their teeth removing that piece of chicken from last week’s meal that’s still lunged between two molars? How do you handle the situation when you get into the house and realize that you could possibly end up being the maid or butler? How do you tell a person about a lucid body odor? Which brings up another question…. How do that not smell that ish?


Thanks for the Luv,

Doc!!

We Met At The Club...Now What?

As a result of a pilot talk show I did with Ayana Mack, local DJ here in Houston (www.ayanamack.com), I decided to blog about the topic of discussion. It was rather interesting with the panel of people we had and the differences of opinion. We were all over the place and ya’ll, I left there with a month’s worth of blogs to write so I’m just gonna get started.

You’re out with your friends and meet someone that you’re very attracted to…”physically”. The two of you manage to talk and of course there’s some mutual interest so you swap numbers. The lights come on and it’s time to go home, maybe you even locked lips before it was over which sent you over the top…..now what? What’s your next move? Do you go home with this man or do you go home and dream of him (you know what I mean).

Too often we go to clubs and encounter this situation. When you’re young you could find yourself going from bed to bed each weekend, each club you hit, being with a different person each weekend. Most men brag on this, unfortunately for men; we have this paradigm that the more women we’re with the better when in essence there needs to be a paradigm shift. The thought should be on the fewer women you’re with the more valuable you are to the woman you’ll spend the rest of your life with. But we tend to get caught up and realize what we’re doing much later in life. Women seem to have a change in thinking and have taken the role men have had for years and if they’re in the club feeling this guy and decided they want to go home with him they do. Are they in turn looked at as the more men they’re with the better? Of course not, that old double standard kicks in and the result is quite the opposite for the ladies that decide to go that route.

In most relationships the initial attraction is physical and rightfully so; I mean, we all want our piece of eye candy. There are those few times that people have met the love of their life in a club but it’s not that often. I don’t want to get into a debate about the type of people that club but for most men, we’re not going looking for love ladies. So do we rush home with this person? I would say it’s a bad idea. Think about it, when you get there at 2a.m. there isn’t much talking that’s going to take place. You end up rushing sex and it interferes with the relationship that you think you’re going to have. What do you truly know about this person? As Ayana stated, they could have a rap sheet as big as Texas. We all know about the “representative” people portray, everything you wanted to hear….you’re gonna hear. What do you do after the act?

If this person is someone of substance, there is no rush to jump in the bed. Personally I don’t believe there’s a time limit on when you should become intimate with a person but I do believe that there has to be something other than physical attraction there. I don’t see the harm in each of you going to your “own” home and spending a few hours on the phone talking in lieu of a few hours of intoxicated sex that you may regret the next day. What if you the sex was bad? If you got to know him first you could deal with that differently. Now this could be great guy is a loser because he couldn’t please you. Some of you may not be looking for love, you may just want a friend or someone to chill with? I can only say to you be careful and make wise decisions. Even in just having a friend there is still some learning of this person to be done. After all he will at some point come into your home. At some point in your life your views will change and you will learn to value you for whom you are and know that your body is a Temple. Remember we get out what we put into anything we do. In the end you can’t complain about how you were used or heartbroken when you enable someone to treat you in a certain way.

So let’s talk about it! How would you handle the situation? Would you go home with a man you just met in the club? Do you think you can find the love of your life in the club? How would you feel waking up next to a stranger (that’s what this person is)?

Thanks for the Luv,

Doc

Slow Down Baby

Most of you know I write about things that are on my mind or situations and stories I encounter through friends. In talking to a close friend of mine JP, up in Atlanta yesterday, she asked me have I ever slept with someone that fcuked like a teenager. Funny because I was quickly able to answer yes, recalling a few years back and we got a laugh out of it as I shared the story. Instantly I told her this was surely something to write about. Wait a minute…Is he fcuking me? Well women aren’t the only ones entitled to posing the question. What comes to mind is the guy putting the girl in the “buck” (as we called it when we were kids), legs up in the air as if she’s signaling a touchdown; he’s pounding away… Bamn! Bamn! Bamn! The thing is, there are some women that actually enjoy that and quite frankly at some point it’s okay to get a lil rough with it. But the entire time? Personally I think all the pounding leads to keeping KY in the nightstand drawer if you know what I mean. My question is… Can you just take your time and marinate in it? Savor the moment? Be a bit more attentive and when it’s time to score that touchdown be able to do a dance in the end zone? I mean hell; in the NFL they get a first down every 10 yards changing up plays to achieve that so the same analogy can be used in making love. Surely a man can make love to a woman (not be in love to make love…that’s another blog) and after he’s done have her feel the effects of their artistry. I use that term because making love “is” an art, fcuking, well… I don’t know what you can call that other than what it is.

So JP wanted to know how to tell the other person that you need them to change up you know, be more attentive. I recalled my early 30’s and this Cougar, I believe she was about 54, mistaking that my rhythm having sped up abruptly meant that I was going to mm! too fast (LOL! She just didn’t know). Anyway, I recall her saying very sweet and soft, “Take your time baby, it’s gonna be here all night.” Then I recall a line from one of my favorite songs on Mary J’s first album. She starts out saying something similar… “Slow down baby the lovin ain’t goin nowhere!” She said that soft and sexy, if you’re at least in your 30’s I’m sure you’ve made love to that song a time or two. My point is it’s all in the presentation. If you’re trying to preserve the persons feelings which you should unless you are just ruthless and don’t care (some of us are or used to be) you should give it to them as to not destroy their ego. Now on the other hand if the two of you just don’t jive then there’s not a damn thing you can do about that other than just calling it off right then and there. I don’t see the need to prolong agony when both parties should be enjoying themselves.

So what I want to know from you guys is how you deal with this. What do you do when he/she is fcuking and you want to make love? How do you tell them to jump out of the Volkswagen and climb into your Mercedes?


Let’s Talk About It!


Doc!

Something Just Ain't Right!

After 12 years of marriage, life seems to be moving along just fine. Sure they’ve had their share of ups and downs but all and all, she feels as though she’s got a great marriage. Anyone looking at her (we’ll call her Ann) would be envious of her family. Her husband (we’ll call him Randy) has a great position in cooperate America. They have 3 beautiful children, a modest home and Ann, being a stay-a-home mom, decided to return to school to further her education. Ann has been a faithful wife throughout her marriage and though she suspected Randy hadn’t been, she was determined to maintain her level of love and commitment to their marriage. ..Until that one semester in her Calculus class.

He walked in (we’ll call him Damon) and she noticed him right away but being the woman she was she made it her business to never even make eye contact with him. She knew to never put herself in certain situations, that’s the mistake many people make and it usually always leads to problems. Damon started for the other side of the classroom but she later found out that he noticed her too and went for the empty seat behind her. Damon eventually made an attempt to talk to her passing her his business card and advertising his services as a web designer. He was very polite, well spoken and said nothing inappropriate, but she was relentless about her stance and kept the conversation very brief not giving him any inclination of her interest.

It was the last day of the semester when Damon was making a joke about one of the ladies in the class, Ann said, “I wonder what bad things you have to say about me.” He replied, “The only bad thing I can say about you is that you’re married.” The thought really stayed in her mind and against her better judgment she sent him a text a week later. Her intent was to let him know that she did notice him and that if they had met in another lifetime things would surely have been different. He paid her some compliments and they both said what they’d wanted to say about one another, to one another via text. And much like Cinderella, she was a Text-erella she said goodbye supposedly never to text Damon again.

Eventually she did text him again, which led to a phone call. Needless to say they became friends…just friends. Damon was attentive in listening to her and realized that she was a very predictable woman; even her kids knew her schedule. He knew this because one day she was about 20 minutes late picking up her oldest child and the child actually questioned where she’d been. Her Anniversary came a few nights later and Randy called about 7 saying he was on the way home. An hour later he still wasn’t there. She called Damon and explained what was going on. He asked her does he do this often and do you ever call him when he does? She said, “no, I just wait for him to get home.” Damon told her she was too predictable, gullible and allowed herself to be walked over by her husband.

Ann couldn’t understand so Damon told her to call her husband, before you do he said, “I want you to know he’s not going to answer the phone. Not only is he not going to answer but he’ll tell you either the phone was on vibrate and the music was too loud or he was talking to one of his partners and the phone was in the car, something on those lines.” Sure enough when Ann called she didn’t get an answer. Randy called her back an hour later with the lame excuse that the phone had fallen out of his pocket and he didn’t hear it. On their Anniversary he came home after 10 p.m. with some crappy flowers in his hands and unable to perform. Damon was sad and felt sorry for her but he felt obligated to “open” her eyes.

In the following days, Ann decided to check some phone records and found that Randy made a brief call to her that anniversary night saying he was on the way home then called another number immediately after. Now I don’t know what kind of phone they have but she was even able to go into the account and see some text messages that he shouldn’t have received from this young lady who Ann found out was an employee (we’ll call her Desiree). Desiree was a chocolate cutie, which Randy claimed he wasn’t attracted to because he didn’t like dark skinned women. Randy was so used to Ann believing everything he said that he thought he could get away with anything. Damon warned her that he would get mad and try to flip it around on her and lo and behold…that’s exactly what he did. The sad part about it is she fell for it. He managed to make her feel as though she did something wrong when she didn’t. Over the following weeks, she uncovered more about Randy and he pulled the age-old trick coming home saying he was leaving because he couldn’t take her crap anymore. He packed a bag and was gone. She was really concerned and upset. Damon told her not to worry; that he knew exactly what Randy was planning. He told her men will pretend to be mad as an excuse to be with their mistress then come back home claiming to have come to their senses. As with everything else he’d told her Damon, was right. Randy came home in the wee hours of the night just as predicted.

There were several things that took place over the course of 5 months and Damon felt horrible for having opened her eyes but she needed to know that she was worth more. Randy tried to make her feel as though she needed him and no one else would want her when in essence he needed her. Ultimately Ann called this “employee” Randy was seeing and he got upset and yelled at her for doing so. It was as if her husband was taking this other woman’s side when he should have been defending his wife. There’s a lot going on here but this is where we’ll conclude.

The phone call…

Ann: Hello Tiffany? (Ann made up the name)

Desriee: Yes?

Ann: Do you know Randy?

Desiree (sounding nervous): I don’t know any Randy

Ann: You sure? I just go this number from his phone you sure you don’t know him?

Desiree: No I don’t

Ann: Okay well I’m gonna go upstairs and call you from his phone and you let me know then….Click!

From Randy’s phone….

Ann: Desiree? (She answers to her real name without thinking)

Desiree: Oh you mean my boss Randy? Oh I didn’t know who you was talking about.

Ann: I don’t know what all this texting and talking you two have going on but I’m going to get to the bottom of it. I know there’s something going on and Imma get to the bottom of this shyt.

Desiree: You need to talk to your husband and not call me. I don’t mess around with married men.

STOP!

Straight from the Doc:

Just this phone call alone leaves me a bit on the angry side so I have to start from there. Most times if your man is cheating on you, the lady knows your husband is married so she’s got his back. He’s already rehearsed the what-ifs with her. He will make sure he did so while she’s happy with him i.e. after sex, dropping her off a 2-piece dark and a kid’s pack from Church’s with a Strawberry soda or something of that nature. I’m just telling you from experience THE MAN WILL COVER HIS HIND PARTS. I said all that to say that if you think you’re going to get the truth out of the woman…think again. Unless he does something to piss her off, she’s taking that to the grave. Besides, you really can’t get mad when your man decided to lay down with her.

Ladies most times when you get that gut feeling something isn’t right…it just ain’t right! Women have to be some of the “just knowingest” creatures I’ve ever known. Seriously I mean, think about your grandma she’d say, “My big toe hurtin, so and so mus be comin’ down with the flu.” You laugh but you know what I’m talking about. When 2 and 2 aren’t equaling 4 in your house then check your math! Don’t be so predictable allowing a man to get away with treating you like crap when you deserve so much more.

I always say it’s a bad thing to divulge your relationship issues with the opposite sex. Unlike this situation, most times it ends up with in the beginning of an affair. Things that are being said at home are said there, things that aren’t being noticed at home are noticed…you get my drift. There are instances where you can be strictly plutonic in a friendship with the opposite sex. Fortunately that was the case here as Ann was able to awaken from being a fool and made some changes in her life.

Before I open the gates, let me say these last things… Don’t fall for the mind Fkcu! When we do things wrong we try to turn them around. A man can’t validate you, that has to come from within. You make you a better woman. When a 30-minute ride home turns into 3 hours, I know I don’t have to tell you but there better damn well be some emergency. The average person doesn’t go 30 min let alone hours without checking their phone. More so when you’ve just told your spouse you were on your way home.

Let’s talk about it……

Luv Doc!

I'm Back...The Doc is in!!

Though it may be hard to believe, it's been nearly two years since I've written a blog. I met some great people through my writing and want to apologize to all of you who followed me through the years for disappearing without notice. Life just sort of happened but I hope to regain contact with all of you. Through the urging of friends and fans, I'm back! I'm eager to share my deepest thoughts and experiences with you. But I want this to be interactive. Ask me your questions, tell me your dilemmas and as always I will give my advice on Luv from a man's point of view.

Stay tuned....

Much Luv,

Doc